Friday, December 22, 2006

Holiday Spear It!

Chicago, December 2006
He roams the streets, searching, driving up one street and down another, stopping to admire the religious wintry displays. Icicle lights dripping from eves and wrought iron banisters, and fragrant evergreen, holly berries and velvet ribbon bid welcome on doors. Sometimes animated reindeer graze while the child in the manger sleeps near his mother and the wise kings. This is beautiful, he loves it but it's not what he's after. Then, he sees one, and smiling, he looks around and notates the address. He must find more before he makes his move.
O K. He's found three, that's enough this time.

He makes his wicked approach in the dark, making sure even the glint of the blade is out of sight until the fatal moment. His victims are unaware, sleeping, lights out. His targets however are bright ones, shining, swaying in the quiet night. Scarlet suit and mittens, eyes twinkling or wearing only a hat and scarf, they are huge, massive, yet defenseless and doomed.

Bathed in the light of his targets he grabs hold of a mitten or corn cob pipe and plunges the knife in. The blunt sound is sometimes accompanied with a high pitched whirrrrrr. Now he pulls it out and moves away to watch at a safe distance. Sometimes the end is swift and violent and noisy...Bubububububububu bluba blub bl bl bl bl. Sometimes the end is slow and hissssing with simply folding and twisting over in a weird slump. Whichever, the once happy and bright, is now unrecognizable and grotesque.
Satisfied, the Snowman Slasher moves on to the next target. Then goes in for the night.

I wrote the above scenario while waitng in the car for Monica to come out of school. The Slasher is real, the scenario is mine. The whole thing struck me so damn funny. What can I say.

Then this next story came on the radio and again with my laughter. Is that wrong?
This is the real story from the Chicago Suntimes.

Dateline Chicago December 21, 2006
Wave of Jesus Thefts Hit Chicago
At this time of year little baby Jesus should be on everyone's minds but waking up to find 32 life-sized baby Jesus on your front lawn is probably more than anyone could bare.

Yet that's exactly what happened to a resident on Chicago's South side who woke to find dozens of plastic babies lined up along the fence in her garden.

The woman made the discovery following a traumatic week for South Side residents who were subjected to crime spree in which teenage pranksters stole Jesus dolls from nativity scenes in people's front gardens.

People looking to reclaim their own personal Jesus were directed by the Chicago police to a local church.

A spokesman said: 'Baby Jesus belongs in a nativity, not in evidence and recovered property, which is where they'll wind up if they're not claimed.'

OMG! What's wrong with people! It sort of reminds me of a scene in my favorite movie "Steel Magnolias" when Annelle made a wreath covered with little Jesuses explaining that the Christmas store had a closeout sale on Baby Jesuses so she just bought them all. Amazing.


E. Jayne said...

i very rarely laugh out loud when reading something; but the 32 baby Jesuses lined up in someone's yard was a hysterical image.

Alex said...

The Baby Jesus stealing Teens need a freakin hobby.